Example of how not to Write an Historical Essay

I am writing in regards to Filomena's performance in my history class. Rather than wait until her report comes out this week to write a sentence or two, I would like to deal with her writing ability fully to keep you completely aware and hopefully come to some idea that could best help her improve. I am not sure if you are in contact with her homeroom teacher but suspect that as is too often the case, the school waits until things get too late to inform parents.
I find that this school admits and promotes any student regardless of ability and then by the time they reach IB2 they are far out of their depth with the school unable or unwilling to help them. One of my IB1 students for example cannot even write an English sentence and yet he was placed in my grade 11 history class with native speakers. So too was a Chinese girl who had failed all of her final exams, all but one of her remake exams, all her history homework and tests, and yet was still allowed to pass from pre-IB to my IB1 history class, one which demands a high ability to read historical sources and write the most difficult analytical essays in the whole of the IB. I do not want this to happen to your daughter and wish to give her whatever help I can and therefore write this in the hopes you could guide me, knowing that she is already under tremendous pressure given her brother's achievements.
…